Wednesday, Oui: "Pep"

Last Monday (the 23rd) I made my annual trip up to Portland to go Christmas shopping with my mother, pick up the farm fresh turkey she raised for me, and have lunch with my Pepe (pronounced Pep-pay; the spelling seems to confuse people).

This has been a tradition in our family for what must be about 8 years now. We always do it the Monday before Thanksgiving, we always meet in Portland, we always go shopping at the Christmas Tree Shop, and we always take Pepe out for lunch.

I'm so scared this was the last time this tradition included bringing Pepe out to lunch. Pepe is not doing very well and, every time I see him, he seems to be a little worse than the last. It kills me. I love my Pepe, probably more than I can even put into words and growing up, he was always the MOST important person to me (well, he and my sister always fought for that title ;) I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when...

So how is this a Oui, you ask? How is this a happy-go-lucky-make-you-smile story?

Well, I've been thinking a lot about my Pepe. When I think of recent times I've seen him one of those times includes the wedding.

I clearly remember being in the bathroom at the venue, putting on the last finishing touches before I got into my dress when my sister came into the bathroom where we were getting ready. She looked at me with eyes  I know so well that I can read them and she said, "Jessi, Pepe is here." I put my make-up away and walked out of the bathroom to find him, tears already running down my face.

He was sitting in a chair, waiting for me, looking so handsome. I walked over to him and I just cried. For months after I got engaged there was only one concern I had about the wedding- the only time I agonized over the guest list, the only thing that could possibly have gone wrong on that day; Pepe wouldn't have made it. The only way Pepe wouldn't have made it was if he wasn't with us (I can't even bring myself to say the word, let alone type it.)

To know Pepe you have to know that he is one of the smartest, bravest, and sweetest men alive. He has several ailments right now, and a couple forms of cancer. I'm not going to get into the extent of his health issues because that's personal to our family, but when I say he is in pain every day, he is in pain. It's probably a pain that would cripple you or I, but Pepe takes it because he loves life so much that he's just glad to be here. He is the strongest person I know and I knew, regardless of his pain, if he were here on 10.10.09 he would be at the wedding. And he was.

When I think of the wedding I think of three times in particular. The first is when I walked out of the bathroom to see him. He wasn't wearing a tie, per my request, because I wanted him to wear one that matched the wedding party. He couldn't stand to greet me so I knelt beside him, resting my head on his knee, crying. "What's all the fuss about? This is supposed to be a happy day, dear." (He has always called me "dear," but pronounced with a Maine accent which sounds more like "d-ya") "I know, Pepe, I'm just so happy you're here and I just love you so much." I replied, through sobs. To which he said, "I do you too, d-ya." I looked up at him. He always says "I do you too." It's like he catchphrase. I also noticed the tears in his eyes. He knows. He knows how I feel, he knows he doesn't have much time left and I know he worries about me. I really need to do a better job at being brave, like him, when I'm around him. To lighten the mood he added. "Well, I hope you didn't think you were gonna get married without me bein' he-ya. Now, where's my tie?"

I tried, three times, to tie it beautifully; failing each time. I'd like to blame it on the fact that I couldn't see through the tears welled up in my eyes, but that'd be a lie. I just can't tie a tie. "Pepe, it looks awful, do you want me to get someone else to do it for you?" "No d-ya, you did just fine. I wanted you to tie it."

I told him I needed to go get ready and gave him several kisses and hugs before I left his side, crying... almost hysterically. As I walked away I noticed my "new family" Jim, Linda and Matt looking on. I had no idea we even had an audience at this point because when I'm with Pepe the rest of the world just fades out. But I recall looking back at my new family and seeing all three of them standing there, wiping their eyes. "What a spectacle I must be" I thought, then I added in my mind "I wonder why they are crying, too?"

The second moment at the wedding was when I walked down the aisle to have Pepe and my Father give me away. That was the sweetest moment in my life so far. The pictures captured that day are a testament to how I felt. Since the wedding, I've been given several different versions of the moment when I walked up to and stood beside my grandfather, in front of my husband, next to my family, with the people I love standing behind me. In each picture the love I have for Pepe is clear on my face, but I noticed something else in those pictures; at that very moment in time other people, guests, and friends are crying too. I've seen several pictures, at several different angles, and a few people were crying. "I wonder why they're crying?" I thought.

Over the past couple months I've given this a lot of thought. Were others crying because I was? (The "I can't see someone cry rule?") or were they crying because most know that Pepe's time with me (us) is limited? Or were they crying because they too have love(d) someone like that? I think the answer is yes to all of the above, but after giving it more thought, and thinking about the people who I saw cry that day, I realize it probably has nothing to do with witnessing the amount of love I have for this man. They are crying because they love me- because they know. They know me. They get it.

The third moment happened without me even knowing until recently, when I watched the wedding video. When I was planning the wedding I knew I wanted to formally acknowledge my Pepe. I knew he wouldn't be able to dance, I knew he would have had much difficultly walking me down the aisle and I knew I couldn't have him in the part where the wedding party and parents were introduced (he wouldn't be able to walk to his seat alone because sometimes he falls.) So, instead, I had the DJ make an announcement to acknowledge Pepe. So, in that moment... in a room of 100 guests, the ones closest to me removed and waiting to be called in, the DJ announced my grandfather; thanking him for being there, and telling him that we love him. The room erupted. How? I thought. How come all the people who are closest to me are in one room and everyone is still screaming for Pepe? Screaming HARD. How did they know? A month later, watching the video, I was grateful and knew each person on that list deserved to be there, I needed them there.

That is a oui- without a doubt.

My Pepe is not the only amazing person in my life. I have many. That's how I know when "the time comes" I will be broken but "okay." I have amazing people to support and love me. My Pepe raised me to be strong and brave. I won't disappoint him.

I'm just not ready yet.