Sun Salutations

Almost two weeks ago we had our Parent/Teacher conference at Toby's Montessori school. It was a very informative meeting and we were certainly given some helpful feedback about our son's strengths as well as the areas needing improvement. We learned that his language is off the charts (we've known this) we learned he gravitates toward the older children in the classroom, and he is respectful to his teachers. She also told us that he is able to work independently and he shows quite a bit of confidence.

We were told an area in need of improvement is the way he manages his need for gross-motor stimulation within the classroom environment. One of the ways they began working with Toby in this area is by introducing him to yoga. And, as it turns out...

Toby LOVES yoga.

I never saw this coming. I don't love yoga. I can't calm my mind long enough to do yoga. However, according to his teacher, he seeks out the yoga mat at least once per day to do his "Sun Salutations." She said he's getting really good at it and it seems to calm and center him.

This is another reason I'm so grateful for Montessori. I would have never exposed Toby to yoga. But, it's likely that at some point Aaron would have practiced it with him (Aaron likes yoga.) However, we may have thought he was currently "too young" or "too energetic;" completely missing the opportunity to provide him this tool. This makes me appreciate the respect Montessori has on the individual child's needs. It is not at all inappropriate that a three-year-old has boundless energy; it's inappropriate for him to deal with it by doing cart-wheels in the classroom. The fact that this was recognized and redirected, rather than shamed and stunted, further merits our decision to enroll Toby in Montessori.

These are the pictures the teacher provided to us:

Toby asked us for a yoga mat for Christmas. I think we'll oblige. 

Interviews

Montessori has been quite the adjustment for us-- from dress codes, to the elimination of nap time, to schedule changes, social influences, and my (lack of) coping with the inability to control every detail of Toby's day. Needless to say, it has been an interesting couple of months.

Every night, Aaron and I interrogate Toby about his day. We get very little out of him and, when we do, it's usually just the very last thing he did at school, "I put my shoes on the right feet!" This can be incredibly frustrating because we want to know what he does, how he feels, and hear about his day. But, we got to a point where we realized we couldn't hound him with questions because it did nothing but get us a one-way ticket to irritation.

Today I tried something different and it ended up being a really cute activity that we both enjoyed. I decided to interview Toby. We sat across from each other at the dining room table and I explained what an interview was and I told him I was going to take notes. He was really excited to "play interview." It was pretty adorable.

Here are the results:

(He insisted I call him 'Mr. Toby' like the teachers at school.)

Mama: "Mr. Toby, what was something you noticed at school this week?"
Toby: "Ms. (Teacher's name) has sharp scissors."

Mama: "Mr. Toby, what is something you learned about this week?"
Toby: "Skeletons and apples. AND OCTOBER!"

Mama: "Mr. Toby, what is something that made you happy this week?"
Toby: "Going caca in the potty all by myself."
Mama: "Excellent!"

Mama: "Mr. Toby, what was your job at school this week?"
Toby: "Cleaning up at school was my job."

Mama: "Mr. Toby, what was fun at school this week?"
Toby: "Playing in the play yard. I had fun."

Mama: "Mr. Toby, what was something you didn't like about school this week?"
Toby: "I don't like the toilet paper at school."
Mama: "Too soft?"
Toby: "Yeah."

Mama: "Mr. Toby, what was something you ate at school this week?"
Toby: "A green colored pear. It was juicy and delightful."

Mama: "Mr. Toby, what was something funny this week?"
Toby: "Ummmm, (therapy dog's name) wouldn't lay down. Because he's a working dog."

At this point I could tell he was losing steam so I suggested we end the interview. However, Toby said he wanted to interview me.

Toby: "Ms. Mama, what was your job at work this week?"
Mama: "Talking to people who don't feel well."

Toby: "Who people? Sick people?"
Mama: "Kind of like sick. They have boo-boos on their heart or in their head."
Toby: "Did you give them Band-Aids?"
Mama: "A special kind of Band-Aid."

Toby: "Ms. Mama, did you go potty by yourself?"
Mama: (laughing) "Yes, I did."
Toby: "Excellent job."
Mama: "Thank you."

Toby: "Ms. Mama, did you remember to wipe?"
Mama: (laughing)"Yes."
Toby: "Wipe good?"
Mama: "Sure did!"
Toby: "That's good."

Toby: "Ms. Mama, is it your job to eat ice cream too?"
Mama: (hahaha) "It probably seems that way, doesn't it?"

Toby: "Ms. Mama, did you miss me while I was gone?"
Mama: "Big much. I missed you great big much!"
Toby: "I missed you too. But I stay home with you today and tomorrow and the next day and the next day, right?"
Mama: "You're right, Bud."

His notes were a little more difficult to transcribe. Luckily, I took notes to his question/my answers too.

I love that kid. And I loved doing this. He never ceases to surprise me.

On Dress Codes

If I had one complaint about Toby's Montessori school it would be this:

Dress Code.

Dressing Toby has always been a part time job for me. Or, as Aaron teases, he needs a part time job because of it. At Toby's school he can only wear khaki or blue pants with yellow, blue, or white tops. No logos, patterns or characters.

THAT'S IT!

I die. Every day a little piece of me dies.

So it's shallow, I know, but, I really like to dress my kid. More accurately, I LOVE to dress my kid. Dress code was a really hard pill for me to swallow, and something I gently challenged the director of school about.

Why? If Montessori is all about individuation, why couldn't I obsessively dress him why was he not able to express himself through fashion? Mostly, her answer made sense about distractions in the classroom, equality, and environments conducive to learning. Okay, okay, I see a point. Although, the defiant part of me did want to argue about conformity, individuality, yadda-yadda-yadda. However, I accepted most of her argument.

Except this part:

"Dress code is easier." She said.

"It gives you less choice in the morning." She said.

"It's cheaper. You only need a couple shirts of each color." She said.

Does this woman not know me at all?

Transitional Tears

As I anticipated, the transition to Montessori was difficult for Toby. I knew, in theory, he would be really excited to "go to school," and through the summer, we visited his school as much as possible so he would be aware of the place he'd be going in September.

Since Toby was 3-months-old he has always had a nanny that came to our house. He wouldn't have to leave his secure area and she had fun things planned for him every day. Sure, there were days he didn't want me to go to work but, usually when I walked away he wouldn't meltdown or cry. I was always the one to walk away from him.

September 1st was the first day he had to walk away from me. It nearly killed us both.

For eight of the nine days he has been in school thus far, drop-off was something I dreaded. Drop-off left me with a broken heart for hours after he entered his classroom. Drop-off was the kind of thing nightmares are made of; you've probably seen it in your dreams-- the child clutching to your leg, wailing, grasping any piece of clothing or fistful of hair they can hang onto while you and the teacher try to pry their desperate little hands off. Yeah. It was that bad for us. I hated it and had to fight my natural instinct to bust through the door after he went inside and scoop him up.

I would assume many parents, like myself, have a really hard time tolerating and allowing their child to feel discomfort of any kind. Particularly emotional. But, I also knew I would be doing him a great disservice to not acknowledge how he was feeling and validate that. Meaning, I wasn't going to tell him he's fine or to not cry. I wasn't going to tell him that everything will be okay. Obviously it's not fine for him right now and I'm not going to insult his emotional intelligence by pretending this isn't difficult for him. So, during his first week (he goes to school 3 days per week) we would talk about drop off every night after school and in the morning during breakfast.

By the second week things hadn't gotten any better. I would actually say they got worse. In between the first and second week we went up to my parents farm in Maine (arguably, Toby's second favorite place in the world) and he was surrounded by his family and (most particularly) his Mimi and Papa who he has totally wrapped around his fingers. So, being in the company of his family for 4 straight days made the next school week exponentially harder. The first day of the second week was the worst.

The school has two options at drop off: Pull up to the curb and have the Director remove your child from the car, or walk your child to the door. Up until the second week, I had been walking him to the door. Week 2- Day 1 I tried the curbside drop off to see if it was easier on him.

That was a mistake.

Toby lost it when his teacher took him out of the car. He reached around the headrest on my seat and grabbed a handful of my hair, refusing to let go. He wailed. I could only look at him with tear-filled eyes as I drove away.

At that moment, I knew he would need that last little piece of physical contact before he left me for the day.

I did a ton of reading and asked one of my friends, who is an early childhood expert (and coincidentally has a son who started at Toby's school too- she has been such a support to me) if she had any suggestions to make this easier. She mentioned that routine would be a good place to start.

I know many other parents that have little ones starting out this fall so, I'll share what has worked for us (so far!) and maybe these things will work for you.

We developed a formula in the morning-- things we do every morning to not just reduce Toby's anxiety, but also make room for it. My kid has absolutely no sense of urgency about anything (he gets this from his father) so if I try to rush him, or not leave room for the things he thinks are important, I go to work feeling like shit. We've all been there. You have somewhere to go and your child notices a toy they've had for years and suddenly it's completely necessary they play with it. Then, because you're in a rush, you become this relentless asshole warning them, "We're gonna be late! COME ON! Hurry up!" Then you feel awful all day.

At night Aaron and I get EVERYTHING ready so the morning is as low stress as possible. Ironing is done, lunches are packed, showers are taken. Everything. The only thing we have to do is feed Toby breakfast and walk the dogs.

Just before Toby and I leave, we have a transition book. He gets to pick the book every day. We sit on the couch and read it. He knows this is the last thing we do before we get in the car so there are no surprises and he knows the next transition is to get in the car.

Immediately when I put him in his seat, I hand him this little plastic skunk we've named "Stinky." He ONLY gets to hold "Stinky" when he's going to school. I also give him three of his President crackers to eat. We drive the same route without deviation (which means I have to anticipate the night before if I need to get gas and I do it before I go home that evening.) On the way to get on the highway we always pass a gaggle of kids waiting for their bus and we wave to them from the car and talk about how they are going to school... just like Toby. One of the doctors at my practice also recommended a song that she used to play for her children when they would go to school. It is legitimately the cheesiest most 1980's song/video I've ever viewed, but I was able to buy the song and burned it to a disc and we listen to it (and sing it) all the way to school. Toby LOVES the song and I do too. (Click here to hear the song. It's attached to the video, so, close your eyes because the video is soooooo 1980s, LOL.)

Stinky

Once we arrive at school I park far away from the building and we slowly walk to the door together. He gets to hold "Stinky" all the way to the door. Just before we get to the door, I give him a drink of water, kiss him like a French person (a kiss on each cheek- he loves this- weirdo) he gives me "Stinky" and I whisper something I always say to him before he walks to the teacher.

At the suggestion of another Doctor at my practice, we have a set time where he knows both Dada and Mama are thinking about him. Every single day we pack a note in his lunch. Mostly, Aaron is in charge of this. Obviously, Toby can't read, so Aaron draws him a new picture for his lunchbox each day. We discussed with him that when he opens his lunch box, every day, he'll see the picture we drew for him. When he sees the picture he should pause for a minute and think about us and we'll think of him during his lunchtime too. So, when all three of us are thinking of each other, we'll be together in that moment, in our hearts.  We also explained that when he sees the lunchtime note, it means the day is more than half over and he'll soon get to see one of us.  His teacher told us that he LOVES his lunchtime notes.

Some of our artwork- hehehe

I've noticed since incorporating a routine that he understands, he feels way less anxious and the tears have significantly decreased. Yesterday, was a completely tear free day and he walked into the school with his little head held high. It was such a relief.

Toby says that he loves school and is always happy when we pick him up. He just doesn't like to leave Mama. Hopefully we've turned a corner and things will be mostly smooth sailing. Wish us luck!

Countdown to school

Toby has yet to realize the concept of time. For example, if I tell him we're in a hurry and we have somewhere to be with only a short amount of time to get there, he assumes that's a great time to empty the bookshelf. So, something we started to do a while ago to help him understand how time passes (and its value) was to do a countdown.

Now we do countdowns for practically everything.

Okay, I lied, not everything. But, a countdown to vacation, a countdown to Thomas the Train, a countdown to Camp, etc. So, of course we did a countdown to school. With a few added bonuses.

Now, let me premise this by saying two things: 1. I know there are, inevitably, some people who won't agree with what we did. That's cool. Scroll on by; don't stop to rest here. 2. You have to understand that we DO NOT frivolously buy our kid anything whenever he asks. (I usually just anticipate his every need and get him things based on that. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Kind of.) Seriously though, I can count on ONE hand how many times we've left a store with a new toy that he asked for in the spur of the moment. ONE hand in THREE years. I/we do not spoil him with "things." Experiences? Yes. Clothing? Yes. Things? No. Not usually.

So, each night of the countdown, we gave him a gift.

One way we've found Toby understands time is by relating them to how many "sleeps" between points of time. So, 5 days before school started, I made him a countdown. I chose to do it as a countdown to school, versus a countdown to the end of summer (like many people do) because I wanted him to concentrate on a new beginning versus the end of something. I anticipated the transition to school would be tough (and it was/is-- but more on that later) so I really wanted to pump him up to understand that while things were changing and he would lose some things (Nanny, the routine/ease of being home, etc) he would be gaining quite a bit too.

So, here it is.

A few days before we started the countdown, I made him the picture we'll use every year for his countdown. I had it laminated so it won't get ruined over the course of his school career.

5 Sleeps:
 His gift that day was a "Curious George Goes to School" DVD.

4 Sleeps:

His new planetbox. This was what we considered his "big gift." We wanted to give it to him ahead of time so he could practice using it before school started.

We just love it. We got him the planetbox "Rover" with two sets of magnets, the water bottle, carry case, two ice packs, the extra pods and the dinnerware. I love it so much (and so does he.) I was very worried about how well he would eat during his day at school, so this box was just what I needed to challenge me enough to make his lunches "fun." He has always been a grazer, so the thought of him sitting down for 30 minutes to eat versus having access to food all day long gave me so much anxiety. He loves to eat out of this box and asks for "fun lunches" every day.

This was his first day of school lunch. See what I mean? How fun! (I kind of want one!) His Nana even made him little reusable napkins.



3 Sleeps:
I found this super cute book at Barnes & Noble. He's obsessed with the story of "The Gingerbread Man." Now we read this one almost every night.

2 Sleeps:

Often when Toby is driving in the car with one of us, he'll ask for a particular song and many times we can't accommodate his request because the song he wants is on a CD in the other parent's car. So, I burned copies of ALL OF HIS CD's. Every single song. I bought two cases and put one in each of our cars. So now we don't have to say "Oh, I'm sorry that disc is in (Mama or Dada's) car." This was Toby's favorite gift. He showed so much appreciation for it. He said, "Thank you, Mama and Dada. This is just so sweet."

1 sleep (School tomorrow):
Anyone who spends any amount of time with my kid knows he is OBSESSED with two things: Geography and the Presidents of the United States. Obsessed to the point that, at three-years-old, he can probably name about 25 of the presidents and identify an equal number of the states in the U.S. by sight. So naturally, I stocked up on his favorite Dick and Jane crackers. They come in... you guessed it... the Presidents and the United States. Aaron picked him up a puzzle and I snagged two finger puppets at the local toy store. He was so happy!

He also recieved a first day of school card with stickers from my sister-- his Iya! He loves getting mail and this made his night!

 

 

Just before bed he put the puzzle together almost entirely by himself!

First day of School:
Sequence for kids (board game)
Just for good measure (wink wink) we gave him a little something after his first day of school.

So, maybe it was indulgent but as the day loomed closer late this summer, Toby got less excited and more anxious about starting school. This countdown really worked for him to get him excited for school (and it was really fun for us to do, too!)