Four

It has been quite some time since I've written, oui? Perhaps that will be a thought for another day but, I had to come here to post about Toby turning four.

Four. Can you even? I can't.

Four didn't hit me nearly as hard as three did. Three crushed me. I think three was the hardest because the year of 2-3 Toby really (REALLY) became self-sufficient (for a three-year-old.) His language blew up, he became totally potty trained at 2.5, he started to exert his, ahem, independence and he didn't want my help. He wanted to do it. "It" being everything. He wanted to do everything himself. Talk about making a schmuck feel obsolete. So, without pouring more salt on a barely healed wound, I'll just say three was hard, emotionally, for this Mama.

Now, four? Four, you sly fox, you snuck up on me. But, you aren't so bad.

Yet.

You see, the thing is, when you have an only child every "first" is also the "last." So, of course, there is a sadness there. I mean, yes, we are done having children and there isn't a sadness about that (Did you hear me? I want to make sure I properly kill any dreams still lingering out there... WE. ARE. DONE. HAVING. CHILDREN. [Yes, I'm shouting.]) But, that doesn't even smart a little. The sadness lies in that Toby isn't a baby any more. Hell, he isn't even a toddler. He's a kid. He's a smart, sassy, sweet, challenging, lovable kid. And, forgive my mush, but I cannot get enough of him. Father Time is a bastard. But, again, that's yet another thought for another day.

The point is, Toby is four. For the last 4 years he has been here. It's almost like I can't remember life without him. Or that I didn't really live until he was here. Or that I didn't know what living was. I can't quite put my finger on it. But, the thought that I could have lived my entire life not knowing such love is possible makes me physically ill. He is everything.

This year has been a whirlwind. I feel for most of it I was holding my breath. Toby started school; life became so busy and different. (Plus, I think I took him starting school WAY harder than he did.) So, for a good part of the year, I held my breath hoping everything would be okay. School is scary. It brings sickness, social pecking orders, failures, and vulnerability; everything a parent avoids. Then you enroll your child and basically give up control for 7 hours per day. Good times. But, he persevered. There were only a few hiccups and he did awesome. We don't regret a second of it. He's had such a unique opportunity within the Montessori environment and he was ripe for it.

And... you guys, he's so cool. Yes, I am a gigantic narcissist when it comes to Toby but, he's really cool. And he's really good. He's sweet and smart and kind. While I know he's only on loan to us... I'm taking full advantage. He's four. He is so much fun. He crushes me. I literally miss him when he goes to sleep. Is that not insane? (That's actually a rhetorical question. So, please don't answer it.) I live for our 4-day weekends when I know I can be with him. He is intoxicating.

Now I'm just babbling on and you probably stopped reading after your third eye-roll moment in the second paragraph. But, that's okay. I write this for me and Aaron. I write for our family/friends near and far (sorry I'm so terrible with using that thing... what's it called? A telephone?)  But, mostly, I write for Toby. In 10 years, when he turns 14 and I hate Father Time even more, I want to look back and remember how painful three was. How bittersweet four was. How I didn't even know what I didn't know. Actually, I don't know what I'm trying to say right now, except, damn it, I love that kid in a way I never thought existed. It's hard to even hold it in my body sometimes.


So, to save you from my incessant banter...without further ado... Toby's fourth year slideshow! I do one (or two) every year. It makes me so happy and amazed to see how much he's changed, how much we've changed and how much life has changed.





Thank you for the past four years, Toby.
We love you big much.

***

Want more?

For Toby's first year slideshow click (here)

For Toby's second year slideshow click (here)

For Toby's third year slideshow click (here)