My Christmas List

The past month or so has been horrible, absolutely horrible. I wouldn't even know where to begin to explain the details of "horrible" but I'll try to include a few specific examples of "my horrible" in this post.

What I will say, because I can’t stand being negative, is this blog has been very therapeutic, as has food, friends, and drinks ;)

(Yes, I have a subscription to US Weekly. Jealous?)

I have been so busy, so exhausted, and haven't been feeling well. I'd like to think I'm an optimist, or at least, people tell me I'm an optimist; I usually have a positive outlook on things or I try to find the bright side. Lately, however, that has been a little more difficult.

Wednesday was the day of the big snowstorm. I went work. Not a lot of people did, but I don't live far and I had a lot to do, so I went in (Aaron drove me, as he usually does on snow days.) Why did I do that? I should have just stayed home. I had vacation time. I had comp time. When I had to return to work at 11:00 PM that night to steal a space heater to warm my house, I was even more angry at myself for having already been in the office for most of the day when I should have taken a "snow-day."

On Wednesday evening our furnace died. Something malfunctioned and it caused the furnace to run when it shouldn't have. As a result, it cracked, spilling water into our basement. A repairman came on Thursday to "Mickey Mouse" it until we can get a new one installed. The Old Beast (as I call the furnace) is still running today and the man who fixed it said, "I'm not a magician. It could run for six hours, six days, or six months."

Really, we are just hoping it runs until summer when we will replace it.

Friday, our laptop started acting up. It kept freezing. It's still being very temperamental. We definitely need a new one. On-line shopping has been difficult, LOL. I’m just hoping that it will make it until my sister has time to back up all my pictures.

Saturday when we woke up, we noticed the upstairs toilet was leaking, or should I say, gushing onto our new tile floors. Aaron fixed that, but needed to find information online about the toilet, unfortunately the computer froze for the remainder of the day.

Later in the afternoon, we notice the temperature was dropping in our home. Aaron investigated to find the furnace had again stopped. He refilled it with water and it ran. Thank God. We are probably going to have to fill it with water everyday and watch it like a hawk. That's fine. It's running. I won't complain.

Yesterday I spent most of my day reading. I read 2 books this weekend. The first was Little Earthquakes by Jennifer Weiner. It was amazing. The second book I read I'll talk about in a moment, it's the point of this story.

As I was about half way through the second book, my mother-in-law called to ask if I had any pretty gift bags. "Of course I do, I'll bring them over." I grabbed the prettiest bag I could find and I yelled to Aaron to tell him that I would be right back, so he came up from the basement to give me a kiss. Poor Aaron. Poor, poor Aaron.

Aaron is a problem solver- BIG TIME. If something goes wrong, he is ready with 100 solutions. That can be a very good thing, or it can be a very bad thing. It's great when I need solutions- I have plenty to choose from. It's bad when I don't want solutions and I just want someone to listen, and let me vent. When I'm stressed out and I know there isn’t anything I can do about something, or someone, or a situation, I just want to vent. Hearing solutions tends to irritate me. But, alas, I digress.

Aaron can't fix the furnace, nor can he make thousands of dollars appear to get a new furnace immediately. He can't fix the computer, and while he can fix the toilet, he can't figure out why it leaked. This kills him. What he gets most upset about is that he feels like if he doesn't/can't do these things, then he is being neglectful to me. It kills him to feel like he isn't or can't take care of me.

He doesn't know how much he already does.

So, back to where I was heading with this. I was about to leave to head over to my in-laws-house. Aaron ran up from the basement to say "bye" (even though I'm going to be gone for less than ten minutes I still find it endearing.) He walked me to the door and as I reached for the handle I pulled it right out of the door. "What the f*ck!?" I screamed. Aaron came running back to see me there, holding our doorknob. He had a look of complete bewilderment on his face. I could see what he was thinking, “how am I going to fix this and why couldn’t it have happened to me?” He tries to protect me from even the smallest annoyances.

I looked at him. I put my hands on both of his shoulders and I said, "Baby, at least we still have each other." We laughed, hysterically actually, and took a few pictures. Then I left... through the back door.

When I returned home I finished the book I had started a few hours earlier, The Christmas List by Richard Paul Evans. It was probably one of the best books I have ever read, and, it's an easy read. The premise of the book is righting the wrongs you've done to others.

Now, I consider myself to be a pretty good person. I definitely have my moments, but I try to never intentionally hurt someone if I can help it. I don't steal, I'm pretty honest, almost to a fault, and I try to love life. Why on earth would all of these things be happening to me all at once?! What karma is biting me in the ass that I should have a horrible month at work, have some health issues, and have major house problems all happen within a week of getting bad news about a friend, constantly worrying about my grandfather, and being faced with a situation that makes you question who your friends are? Why did all of this happen right before Christmas? Why me? I have never felt so defeated in my life.

Then I started thinking about the book I had just finished. In the book there was a quote that I read, then read again, then over and over several times.

"When life is more than you can stand, kneel."

I really can handle what has been given to me. I am a positive person. It got me thinking that maybe the reason this is happening is so that I can see the gifts all around me- because I am strong and I can deal with all of this...all at once. Maybe I can't do it standing, but I do have some amazing people that can help share the load. I won't go through life angry at what I don't have, or who has cheated me (at least I try not to, I'm not perfect) and it made me realize that the people who feel like that, who keep score, really can't be all that happy.

Most people make Christmas lists full of things they want. There are always things I want. But this year, I'm going to make a list of things I have, and only one thing I want.

So, here is the list:

What I have:

• A beautiful home (I wanted the 1930's antique Cape. I need to accept the good and the bad that comes with old houses.)
• Some really great friends who are my biggest fans.
• An amazing husband who loves, adores, and supports me in every way possible.
• Aaron's family, who loves me as if I were their own.
• The best siblings a girl could ask for.
• Everything material that I need, and even a lot of things that I want.
• Stability.
• Great parents who, despite their flaws (we all have them) love me the best way they know how.
• An exceptional education and all the privileges that come along with it.
• A career that I love, regardless of the frustrations. I'm doing exactly what I said I was going to do 15 years ago. Who does that?
• A family that keeps me sane.
• Healthy animals that reinvent my world.
• Food in the fridge.
• Money in the bank.
• Pretty good health, minus one small detail.
• More love than any one person deserves.

What I want:

• Hope: That I never take this for granted and I am able to remember, every day, that: life goes on, I have more than any one person should, there is always someone to share the load, someone is always worse off than even my most horrible month and the humanity to give, in any way, to those who have less than I do.

Merry Christmas.