Planet Embarrassment? Oui.

The theme of my Oui is going to be a little different this week. When I invented the Oui, the purpose was to blog about something that made me happy, smile, and/or laugh. This Oui definitely has the last two covered. This is a true story; some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Aaron and I had a *horrible* time at the gym the other night. We forced ourselves to go when we really didn't want to which, was our first mistake.

First, it was pouring rain and we couldn't find parking. Then, I forgot my elastics so my hair was all over my face and I had to keep brushing it away. Once I started sweating and my hair stuck to my face I knew there was no hope for me being truly comfortable.

Then, I hopped onto the only available treadmill next to a person who was laughing, relentlessly, at what ever they were listening to in their IPod.

Additionally, my el-cheapo Mp3 player has the crappiest headphones ever made. You might as well try to stick a wine cork in your ear canal. So, while trying to brush my sweaty hair out of my face, I knocked the ear phones out of my ears with so much force, causing the Mp3 player to fall free from the headphone cord, onto the treadmill, and propel backward into some people standing by the garbage.

Did I mention I was jogging? Yep. Me hauling butt, going absolutely nowhere, but running like a fool, sweating, messing with my hair and listening to the butt-hole beside me giggling away at what I presume to be an audio book on tape. Mind you, he was giggling loud enough for me to hear it over "Come on Eileen."

So, my reaction? I turn around on the treadmill to grab my sorry Mp3 player, completely forgetting the law of inertia, (and that I was on moving treadmill.) I fling backward, facing forward but, luckily, giggling idiot reaches over to catch me in his moment of clarity. He caught me, but I almost slipped free from his grasp as his hands were all greasy from sweat, or laughing potion. God only knows.

So, naturally, I yell "You mutha f*cker!" Perhaps angry at my Mp3 player, or my hair, or Krusty the Clown laughing at absolutely nothing. Directly followed up by, "Sh*t!" Krusty asks, "What? Are you okay?" I reply "No, I am all messed up and now... now... I owe a dime." Dead silence, not even a chuckle.


I pull the emergency stop button, gather myself, and run to the other side of the gym to find Aaron at the bench press. I plead.


J: Lets go, we are leaving.
A: Why did you sh*t your pants?
J: What? No. Huh? Let's just go, I'll explain in the car.

We part, briefly, to use the locker room. I am out in record time refusing to do anything besides wash my hands. I wait at our "meeting spot" and after a few minutes Aaron emerges from the locker room, ghost white.


J: What?!
A: Nothing. (Sounding completely defeated.)
J: No seriously, what? (We are walking in the pouring rain toward the car)
A: I just saw the worst thing in my life.
J: WHAT?! You don't even know what just happened to me.
A: When I was in the locker room, changing just now, some dude comes in, drops his pants, and starts wiping his junk... while making eye contact with me!!! Then he starts inspecting it, right there, in the middle of everything!!
J: OMG. That is... what was he looking for?
A: I don't know!!! It was horrible. I left.
J: Who was it?
A: The guy you were running on the treadmill next to.


Honest to God, this really happened.
Only to us.