Wednesday, Oui? 39 + 39

39 weeks ago today, at 3:54 PM, I met Toby. Today, at 3:55 PM, Toby has been in this world, with his family doting upon him, longer than he was in my womb. It's weird.

I can't even describe how profoundly my life has changed in the past 39 + 39 weeks. When I was pregnant I had all these preconceived notions about what it would be like to have a baby. Forgive me, I'm going to be completely blunt and honest here:

I thought I would feel so disconnected from my husband.
I thought I would neglect my dogs, my home, and my personal hygiene.
I thought I would be in the poor house trying to keep my kid diapered and fed.
I thought there would just be these nights that I was so exhausted I would just want to fall into bed, resenting the fact that I still had to get the baby to bed.
I thought I would be happy to go to work every day.
I thought I would be so relieved to have my nanny keep my house spotless.
I thought I would resent my husband for one reason or another; he wasn't helping, or helping the way I wanted him to.
I thought I would hate the way my body changed.
I thought Aaron and I would never ever ever have the time or energy to, ahem, well.... you know.
I thought everything that made me me would never be the same.

The second I suspected I was pregnant my entire life changed. It was like the part of me that was lost in a sea of what I thought was important, finally sailed into port. I loved every single second of being pregnant. Yes, parts of my pregnancy were difficult; I had to go to the doctors 2-3 times per week because of my diabetes accompanied by a slew of other annoyances because of my diabetes. It really didn't bother me. It wasn't even a consideration to complain. I felt such joy in being pregnant. I loved having him with me. I loved daydreaming about what he would be like. I loved feeling him move. I loved thinking of him all warm and safe; like only I could protect him.

I loved every second of my 8 hour labor. I loved bringing him into this world and I am so proud that I did it without the aid of drugs. Maybe I'm a sadist, but I loved every second of his birth- regardless of the pain. In my head it made sense that it should hurt. I, personally, wanted to know exactly what it felt like to want something so badly. I don't ever want to forget what it felt like (many women told me I would forget the pain. I haven't. [Dudes, I couldn't!] and I don't want to.)

I loved trying to breastfeed him. It was a painstaking process for me. I gave it my absolute all for 7 months and I have no regrets about any of it. I loved whispering to him while he was brand new and milk drunk.

I love my husband more than I ever thought possible.  I look at my husband and can't measure how much he has grown; how different our love is now. He is an amazing partner. We co-parent naturally. He has changed as many diapers as I have. He has been there every step of the way and I have never been afraid to leave him alone with the baby because I feared he wouldn't do as good of a job as me. I never gave myself the option to be "the better parent." We make every decision together. Aaron is an excellent father. He is so engaged, fun, and present. He intentionally parents our son.

Aaron is an even better husband than he was 39 weeks ago. Yes, it's true and apparently possible. I think I've been pretty clear that I have no complaints (well, maybe a few [wink]) about Aaron. He has always been a great partner. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he absolutely loves me. He always puts us first. He still tries to surprise me. He works so hard, sometimes 6+ days per week, so I can work a measly 2.5 days per week and we can pay for our part-time nanny equivalant to what others pay in a month for full time day care. He never complains.

The realistic things that did change was the way I take care of myself/things. I do live in sweats on my days off. I have, to some small extent, neglected my home. But, weirdly, my priorities have changed so much that it doesn't bother me. I would rather spend 1 hour on the floor playing with Toby and watching him grow, than spend 1 hour painting my toenails, straightening my hair or doing dishes.

I'd rather have my nanny bring him on various outings and play dates than keep my house clean and put away laundry (although, she does make excellent use of his nap time!)

I love that Pandora Kids plays 24/7 in our household, that we fired our television, that my nightstand is littered with children's books rather than an epic non-fiction about whatever I was interested in at the time. I'm fine with the fact that I have more mascara on my head to cover my gray on black roots than I have on my eyelashes. I am completely fine with the fact that I have chipped toenail polish on only my big toes and it has been that way for weeks. None of those things are important to me any longer. At the end of the day I go to bed with my husband, my partner, thinking, "We did a good job as parents today." Truly, that is so much more satisfying than a well manicured brow line and a spotless house.

It's so weird to read what I just wrote. I used to read similar things from new mothers and (forgive me) think to myself "Yeah, keep telling yourself that none of these things bother you, honey. Your house is a sty, you look like hell and there is something crusty on the shoulder of your blouse." I think back on the part of myself not with anger, but with pity for my ignorance. I had no clue how much a baby changes your perspective. I have a new port in life. I have an anchor. I have made sacrifices with my time, money, career and I'm sure others that I can't yet identify. But, I have never been so fulfilled. I have never felt so close to my faith, my family or my husband. I have never had such an understanding of my psyche. Yes, being a mother isn't always easy. Why should it be? I am enjoying every second of every part of this journey.

Toby is an easy baby. Everyone has commented on that. I don't think that is necessarily coincidence. Perhaps it is luck that he has always slept through the night. Perhaps it is luck that he has a great attention span. But, I think the fact that he smiles at his family, he never ever ever cries, he is content with life and loves to love is because Aaron and I have been so good about prioritizing. Being considerate about every single thing that we do, every word that leaves our mouth, every octave of our language. We never rush when he's near. I have a tendency to be anxious and Aaron has a tendency to be scattered.We never let those things translate to him. We decided before he arrived that if he was going to be a sponge we would only let him absorb the most pleasant things. We want him to have confidence. We want him to be independent. We want him to be curious. We want him to be happy.

I am so grateful for the past 39 + 39 weeks. I can say I've never lived with such vigor and intentionality as I have in the past 78 weeks.