The Beginning of Wednesday: Wednesday, Oui: on vulnerability and need

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Wednesday, Oui: on vulnerability and need

I have discovered I'm not an island. I am vulnerable and I have weakness. How did I discover this? Well let me explain.

Aaron, as we all should know by now, is a cyclist. This requires a lot of traveling. This "season" alone he has already "slept out" about 10 times and is due to leave on Sunday for another 8 days. Normally, this would not bother me, and when I say normally I mean in previous relationships. Normally, I would be like "whoo-hoo, I have the house to myself, I have free time!!!" But, now, I think "whoo-hoo free time, what am I going to do? Wow, 8 days, that's 8 sleeps. Is Aaron going to travel safely? Will he miss me? I better get a prize. Will it go by fast? Will our schedules work out so we can at least talk on the phone for a little bit each day? Should I buy a plane ticket on an impulsive whim and fly out to Wisconsin to see him? Wow, 8 days..." Now don't get me wrong, I do have a plethora of plans, come on people, do I ever just lay around?! But still, it feels.... sad? No. Empty? No..... LONELY.

So, I guess I don't know if I had it right before (previous relationships) or if I have it right now. Should I feel vulnerable? Does this indicate that I finally have found the person who, to some extent, completes me? I guess what it boils down to is that I miss him when he's gone. I have worked my whole life to not need anyone. I have always talked myself into believing that I could never be hurt if I didn't fully care. I take pride in being self-sufficient in terms of emotions. Aaron has some how weaseled his way into my heart and made me a little more mushy, a little more human, and a lot more vulnerable. I don't know whether to hate him or love him for it.

I guess in thinking about it and reading this I don't need him, I want him.

2 comments:

Crazy Momma said...: Perfect new song addition for this blog.

I think it is wonderful that you feel so lonely when he is gone...that doesn't sound right, but I think you get it.

You guys have a wonderful relationship. One that many of your readers (or at least myself) are envious of.

You will make it through, I promise!; July 16, 2008 at 9:21 PM
Nicki said...: you know how I think, vulnerability in relationships is a good thing. I hope the 8 days goes quickly!; July 17, 2008 at 1:45 AM

Quotes that define my life:

"Now this is the Law of the Jungle -- as old and as true as the sky; And the Wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the Wolf that shall break it must die. As the creeper that girdles the tree-trunk the Law runneth forward and back -- For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack." -- Rudyard Kipling
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown
"Better to love God and die unknown than to love the world and be a hero; better to be content with poverty than to die a slave to wealth; better to have taken some risks and lost than to have done nothing and succeeded at it." -- E. Lutzer
“There is pleasure in the pathless woods, There is rapture on the lonely shore, There is society where none intrudes, By the deep sea and the music in its roar; I love not man the less, but Nature more.” -- Lord Byron
"There are times when explanations, no matter how reasonable, just don't seem to help." -- Mr. Rogers
"If you don't crack the shell, you can't eat the nut." -- Persian Proverb
"Real peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of justice." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Mountains we climb

+ Currently: Life
+ Magalloway Mountain: Pittsburg, NH: 3,350 ft. Fire tower @ summit
+ Uncanoonuc Mountains: Goffstown, NH; Elevation: North Peak 1,324 ft. South Peak, 1,321 ft. *Indian Translation: "woman lying down" or "breasts"*
+ Mt. Major: Alton Bay, NH: Approx 4 mi. round trip; 1,100 ft. @ summit.
+ Monument Mt., Berkshire Area, MA: Approx 3 mi. round trip; *Beautiful waterfall* 1,735 ft @ summit.
+ Welch-Dickey- Loop Trail, Waterville Valley Area: 4.4 mi. round trip; 2,605 ft. @ Welch summit, 2,734 ft. @ Dickey summit.
+ Mt. Kearsarge- Barlow Trail, Winslow State Park, Wilmot: 2.8 mi. round trip; 2,937 ft @ summit.
+ Mt. Monadnock- White Dot Trail, Jaffrey: 4.2 mi. round trip, 3,165 ft. @ summit
+ Mt. Layafette- Old Bridle Path, Franconia Notch State Park: 8 mi. round trip, 5,260 ft @ summit.
+ Mt. Cardigan- East Side Loop, Alexandria: 5.3 mi. round trip, 3,121 ft @ summit. * some of the mountain was left bare from a fire in 1855
+ Mt. Morgan & Mt. Percival- Squaw Mountains, Holderness & Center Sandwich: 5.1 mi. round trip; 2,220 & 2,212 ft. @ summit
+ Mt. Osceola- White Mountain National Forest: 6.4 mi. round trip, 4,340 ft. @ summit

Mission Statement

This blog is much like my home. When you click on my blog you cross a boundary into my world; what I would like to be a judgment free world. You’re in my house now. Don’t come in if you want to pollute my environment with negativity.

As a guest in my home would you pick apart my style, critique my furniture, or want me to spend your entire visit complaining about my life's trials and tribulations? No. The same goes for my blog. You’re a guest here. The virtual world is a "boundary" between what I am going to post here, and what goes on in my “real life.”

This is my forum. Much like if you were a guest in my house, I would scurry around cleaning up, presenting to you my best self. I do the same with my writing. You come here for a smile, an anecdote, a laugh, or a oui. You don't come here to hear about the bad parts of my life. Just because I don't post about them, doesn't mean they don't exist. That part of me just happens to be none of your business.

I choose to blog about things that make me happy, things I want to look back on and relish. I am constantly recovering (on a daily basis) from things that are unpleasant, I need no reminders via written word. That is what my diary is for. If that omission makes it appear as though my life is easy, then you are more than welcome to turn back now, don't waste your time. I have an amazing group of people who I can vent to and get feedback in regards to those matters, I don’t have an overwhelming urge to hang my dirty laundry out to dry in front of strangers.

My greatest fear about blogging is that someone, anyone, would rob me of this right. To instill in me a need to gauge my every word, for me to feel intimidated to speak, to share, or to write. I would never take that privilege, liberty, or luxury from any one person. It’s not mine to take. If you're here for the taking, I hope you come up empty.