The Beginning of Wednesday: Texts from the Stratosphere

Friday, October 5, 2012

Texts from the Stratosphere

No, the second layer of the Earth's atmosphere is not sending me messages. I thought I'd be clever with the title because my phone is a "Samsung Stratosphere."

I have amazing, intelligent and hilarious friends. Many people know my preferred method of communication is texting and I have a handful of people in my life that I text often. The other night I was bored so I started reading some of my old text messages as I was getting ready to delete them. Then I had the brilliant idea of publishing the random ones that made me laugh out loud. I think I may start a new "Texts from the Stratosphere" segment.

Below are verbatim texts I have taken from my inbox. To protect the innocent I have removed any identifying information. I'll use the initials FT= Funny Texter and FR= Funny Responder. In the below conversations I am either the Texter or the Responder.

*****

FT: "Do you ever smell the armpits of your clothes to see if it's time for a wash?"
FR: "Haha. Yes! All the time. or the ass of pants..."

*****

FT: "What lotion does ______ use for eczema? ______ feels like a fucking alligator."

*****

(After a friend signed up for Pinterest)
FT: "Dude. I'm like Charlie Sheen except I'm pinning!! haha"

*****

FT: "We are warm by the fire. shelling beans. the dry ones for baking."
(Wait, what?)

*****

FT: "... Me too except I forgot lettuce. I'll trade you a cuke and a large piece of chocolate cake with white coconut frosting for enough lettuce for a sandwich."
FR: "I think that sounds fair..."
(That doesn't sound anywhere near fair!)

*****

FT:"Thanks for leaving all that stuff in the trunk. and grapes are on sale."
FR: "No prob. And NO grapes!!" (FR saw a news article about black widow spiders hiding in grapes.)
FT: "I am watching some couple argue in Russian it's awesome,"
FR: "LOL. Don't forget candy."
FT: "Shit."
FR: "Don't come home without candy."

(I think it's pretty easy to figure out who was who in that one)

*****

FT: "Flax... you must shit like clockwork!"
FR: "Yep"

*****

FT: "I have some cigarette smelling dude giving me an estimate for carpet here now. Gag me."

FR: "LOL"
FT: "Ok, he's gone. And he didn't kill me."

*****

(A girlfriend and I discussing, via text, our poor body image and FUPAS after having children)

FT: "... My blubber belly is so unattractive"
FR: "Exactly. I used to be pristine and now (husband) comes home from work my hair is a mess, I probably haven't showered, the house is a wreck and I'm like (sexy voice) heyyyyy..."

*****

(Going back and forth between Facebook messaging and texting with one individual)

FT: "Ohhhh gotta see ... I was just FB messaging you about that."

FR: "Dude, we're working with too many different types of technology right now."

*****

(And then the winner for the most random/disgusting text goes to [drum roll......])

"Yeah. I vowed a while ago never to eat his food after he took a smelly shit and then made a salad without hand washing."

1 comment:

Stephani said...: oh my god!! I havent laughed so hard all day!!! Love that post so much!!
Who ate a stink hand made salad? ..... its ok, your safe here....; October 5, 2012 at 5:12 PM

Quotes that define my life:

"Now this is the Law of the Jungle -- as old and as true as the sky; And the Wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the Wolf that shall break it must die. As the creeper that girdles the tree-trunk the Law runneth forward and back -- For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack." -- Rudyard Kipling
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown
"Better to love God and die unknown than to love the world and be a hero; better to be content with poverty than to die a slave to wealth; better to have taken some risks and lost than to have done nothing and succeeded at it." -- E. Lutzer
“There is pleasure in the pathless woods, There is rapture on the lonely shore, There is society where none intrudes, By the deep sea and the music in its roar; I love not man the less, but Nature more.” -- Lord Byron
"There are times when explanations, no matter how reasonable, just don't seem to help." -- Mr. Rogers
"If you don't crack the shell, you can't eat the nut." -- Persian Proverb
"Real peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of justice." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Mountains we climb

+ Currently: Life
+ Magalloway Mountain: Pittsburg, NH: 3,350 ft. Fire tower @ summit
+ Uncanoonuc Mountains: Goffstown, NH; Elevation: North Peak 1,324 ft. South Peak, 1,321 ft. *Indian Translation: "woman lying down" or "breasts"*
+ Mt. Major: Alton Bay, NH: Approx 4 mi. round trip; 1,100 ft. @ summit.
+ Monument Mt., Berkshire Area, MA: Approx 3 mi. round trip; *Beautiful waterfall* 1,735 ft @ summit.
+ Welch-Dickey- Loop Trail, Waterville Valley Area: 4.4 mi. round trip; 2,605 ft. @ Welch summit, 2,734 ft. @ Dickey summit.
+ Mt. Kearsarge- Barlow Trail, Winslow State Park, Wilmot: 2.8 mi. round trip; 2,937 ft @ summit.
+ Mt. Monadnock- White Dot Trail, Jaffrey: 4.2 mi. round trip, 3,165 ft. @ summit
+ Mt. Layafette- Old Bridle Path, Franconia Notch State Park: 8 mi. round trip, 5,260 ft @ summit.
+ Mt. Cardigan- East Side Loop, Alexandria: 5.3 mi. round trip, 3,121 ft @ summit. * some of the mountain was left bare from a fire in 1855
+ Mt. Morgan & Mt. Percival- Squaw Mountains, Holderness & Center Sandwich: 5.1 mi. round trip; 2,220 & 2,212 ft. @ summit
+ Mt. Osceola- White Mountain National Forest: 6.4 mi. round trip, 4,340 ft. @ summit

Mission Statement

This blog is much like my home. When you click on my blog you cross a boundary into my world; what I would like to be a judgment free world. You’re in my house now. Don’t come in if you want to pollute my environment with negativity.

As a guest in my home would you pick apart my style, critique my furniture, or want me to spend your entire visit complaining about my life's trials and tribulations? No. The same goes for my blog. You’re a guest here. The virtual world is a "boundary" between what I am going to post here, and what goes on in my “real life.”

This is my forum. Much like if you were a guest in my house, I would scurry around cleaning up, presenting to you my best self. I do the same with my writing. You come here for a smile, an anecdote, a laugh, or a oui. You don't come here to hear about the bad parts of my life. Just because I don't post about them, doesn't mean they don't exist. That part of me just happens to be none of your business.

I choose to blog about things that make me happy, things I want to look back on and relish. I am constantly recovering (on a daily basis) from things that are unpleasant, I need no reminders via written word. That is what my diary is for. If that omission makes it appear as though my life is easy, then you are more than welcome to turn back now, don't waste your time. I have an amazing group of people who I can vent to and get feedback in regards to those matters, I don’t have an overwhelming urge to hang my dirty laundry out to dry in front of strangers.

My greatest fear about blogging is that someone, anyone, would rob me of this right. To instill in me a need to gauge my every word, for me to feel intimidated to speak, to share, or to write. I would never take that privilege, liberty, or luxury from any one person. It’s not mine to take. If you're here for the taking, I hope you come up empty.