The day I knew

I'm certain I've mentioned in here but, the very first month we tried to conceive--it was mission accomplished. I honestly had it in my mind, for one reason or another, that it would take us a while to get pregnant. I was banking on at least 6 months of trying... little did I know.

The pictures above are the first known pictures of me when I suspected I was pregnant. It was Sunday, September 11th and Aaron and I had driven out of town to deliver a chair we sold to a woman on Craigslist. I was 19 days pregnant. On the way back home from delivering the chair (it was still early- around 10AM) we decided to hike Pulpit Rock in Bedford.

Aaron and I hike quite often. I wouldn't say I'm in pristine physical shape but, I can do moderate physical activity for a prolonged period of time without wanting to keel over so, I am not ashamed of my fitness level. However, on the day in question I told Aaron, "I just don't feel right. My stomach feels weird and my boobs are killing me!" His response was something along the lines of, "Well, do you think you're getting sick? And why do your boobs hurt?!" I responded, "Dude, seriously, I think I'm pregnant." (Often, despite his objections, I call him Dude). He stopped in his tracks, looked at me and through a sympathetic laugh he said gently, "Babe, there is no way you'd know yet... and we just started trying."

Over the next two weeks I was super aware of everything happening to my body. I was very lucky that I never experienced the nausea that goes along with many pregnancies but one tell-tale sign that something was off was (sorry if this is TMI [ahem, McPepe]) my breasts were on fire. Their mere existence was miserable; walking up and down the stairs was excruciating, showering was painful, and sleeping was torturous.

Still, I didn't say anything more about my suspicions (except to my sister) until 14 days later when I tested positive for Alien. Prior to my actual positive test I had tested two other times because I just felt "something was up." Both of those tests were negative... and I was devastated!

On September 24th I had my first day of classes for my doctorate program (which, by the way, I have put on hold for who knows how long). All day long I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open which, was odd. I take anything career related pretty seriously so the fact that I was clock watching so I could nap was seriously out of character for me.

Toward the end of the day, I met with the rest of my peers so we could exchange schedules/contact information because we'd been assigned a group project. Most of the members of my cohort were teachers so I made some mention that my schedule was crazy and would be very opposite most everyone elses, given my hours. One woman responded, "Oh, just wait until you have kids... you don't know what a crazy schedule is until you're a mother."

Immediately I was offended by this comment, for many reasons. One: I don't believe that a person "doesn't truly know busy" unless they are a parent. I think there are completely different types of "tired" and "busy" when you're a parent. I would never debate this with anyone. Two: I had taken two failed pregnancy tests in the past 2 weeks and it was completely insensitive of her to say that (even though she had no clue.) So, I responded by screwing up my face into the nastiest "I hate you" look I could possibly muster. Now, this in and of itself is odd too, simply because I have an extremely thick skin and normally I would just let a comment like that slick off my back. It bothered me so much that I called Aaron on my way home to lick my wounds.

Very early the next morning, Sunday, September 25th, I woke up around 3AM because I had to pee. It was almost 5 days after I had expected my period to arrive but, again, I didn't place too much stock in this because I had never been regular before I was put on birth control. Now that it was my first month off "the pill" in over 14 years, I had figured my cycle would be all messed up anyway. My sister had been urging me to take another pregnancy test but, I was holding out because it was incredibly painful each time I saw a big fat negative.

So, I was up, I had a full/ripe bladder, I had one pregnancy test left and I figured, "Oh, what the hell." I peed on the little sick and set it on the counter. After I washed my hands I picked up the little stick (I wasn't wearing my glasses) and saw it said "Pregnant". Immediately I was flooded with one million emotions. I went limp with that hot flushed feeling, similar to the one you get when you're driving along, minding your business and you look in the rear view mirror and see blue lights flashing behind you. I was elated, scared and, in disbelief.

So, I did what any other person would do. In my mind I said "Duuuddddeee" then out loud I said "Huh" and put the test in a drawer and went to bed.

It's weird how much has changed since that night. It feels as though I've made complete transformations in my thoughts and priorities:

It's hard to sit back and watch my body change.
It's amazing to watch my body change.
It is so unusual to feel the love and protectiveness I feel for someone I haven't even met yet.
I will never get used to feeling the little kicks and jabs of my son; I never take his movements for granted. It's amazing to have this little secret with Alien; there isn't anyone who knows him (yet) quite like I do.
I never feel alone... which is both comforting and unsettling.

This last part is so embarrassing and I haven't said it out loud to anyone. Whenever I think about my little Alien and the fact that in about 16 weeks I'll have my baby to share with the world, all I can hear in my mind is "Slacker Steve" from the commercials years ago saying, "Dude, you're getting a Dell."