***As I was looking back over the postings of 2013, I came across this one. I still found it to be so true and relevant. So, I added several and edited a few. I speak the truth, folks.
You know you're a Mama when:
1. Your checkbook is often filed between two diapers in the inside pocket of your gigantic diaper bag (and there are likely no checks left in it.)
2. Your idea of curling up with a book now consists of reading your kindle with one eye on the screen and the other casing the living room to locate your child, who is ostensibly getting into some type of shenanigans (and you've been reading the same page for 36 minutes.)
3. You drive right by your house on the way home from work because, for once, you're alone in the car and something besides Raffi is on the radio. So, you're going to listen to the whole song, damn it, and you might even try to blow your speakers. So what if it's REO Speedwagon
4. Your personal bedtime now comes with a deep and specific satisfaction because you devoted your day to raising a person. It's in a similar "satisfaction category" as that exhausted/elated feeling you have when you eat an entire pu-pu platter single-handedly. Also similar to that feeling you get when you lay yourself over your comforter after cleaning the house top to bottom, painting your toenails, flossing your teeth and plucking your eyebrows all in the same day. Except now, rarely do you do any of the aforementioned things in the same week.
5. You waltz into City Hall at 4:00 on the last day of the month and your car is due to be registered and you don't consider it procrastination. It's an accomplishment.
You know you're a Mama when:
6. The woman at Barnes and Noble, who just informed you (and your eager one-year-old in tow) that the activity you signed up for is geared toward children ages four to seven, promptly scurries off to retrieve an activity packet for your child simply because of your non-verbal reaction. (which resembles that of the creeptastic serial killer in the most recent scary movie you watched, (approximately 3 years ago) which looks a lot like a slight smile spreading across your face, never quite reaching your eyes, and blinking twice... slowly.)
7. Your checkbook register has crumpled receipts shoved in the pages and your new definition of balanced finances is determined by whether or not you have more money than you estimate you have in receipts.
8. You used to despise going to the grocery store and could be in and out like lightening. Now, it takes you almost an hour to pick up a handful of items because, well, you're all by yourself and you're going to do some window shopping. So what if it's at the local Hannaford and you're in the All Natural Food aisle. You're FREE, you're FREEEEEEE!
9. Every single person you come across who is unfamiliar to you is either a child molester or a kidnapper.
10. You know exactly how much a gallon of organic whole milk costs at each local store. And what their hours are.
You know you're a Mama when:
11. You can accurately "eyeball measure" liquid ounces.
12. You find yourself singing your daily tasks.
13. You think nothing of smelling
(insert practically anything here) to see if it's clean/needs a change/past its expiration date/unidentifiable.
14. You no longer enjoy a food item all by yourself. You get about half of whatever it is you ordered; one quarter of the other half goes to your kid who wants whatever it is, the other quarter goes directly onto the floor.
15. You judge how often you need to wash your floors by looking at the bottom of your child's socks.
You know you're a Mama when:
16. Everything is poison or a choking hazard.
17. You roll your eyes and think, "Jesus, again?" when you see yet ANOTHER uploaded picture of a toddler on your Facebook newsfeed. Then you slowly shrink into yourself when you realize the picture is of your kid... and it's the 7th one you've uploaded that day. Then you say a secret prayer hoping that some of your friends have "hidden" your posts on their newsfeed.
18. You attempt to leave your house without your car keys, wallet or debit card but you can bet the farm that you've remembered Sophie the Giraffe, a change of clothes, back up snacks and booger wipes.
19. It took you almost an hour to actually leave the house.
20. You've learned to multi-task like nobody's business. You clean out your purse while in line at the bank, check your email while on the toilet, and wash your hair in the shower while magic erasering the bottom of the tub with your foot.
You know you're a Mama when:
21. You make phone calls to family and friends while you're in the car by yourself because it's one of the only times you can guarantee a conversation without someone beating on a tambourine in the background.
22. (Mom's who do some work from home will appreciate this) You know exactly how many puffs you need to hand feed your child to keep them silent while you make a business call.
23. Your automatic cure for that rogue gray hair used to be placing a frantic call to your stylist. Now your automatic solution is a headband and a bit of mascera. Your roots can totally wait until you get around to making your hair appointment... in 10 weeks... when you have time.
24. You spend 35 minutes putting together a beautiful plate of healthy balanced food for your child yet your lunch consists of an expired yogurt, a handful of almonds, and the soft and questionable cucumber in the produce drawer of your fridge.
You know you're a Mama when:
25. You get a secret sense of satisfaction when your kid fills his diaper because you know what? You worked hard to feed him the food he just crapped out. And how cute is it that he pooped? His bowels work! They work! Pat yourself on the back, Mama, you made that body and it works like a well-oiled machine.
26. You just read #25 and nodded in agreement.
27. You actually wrote #25 and didn't contemplate deleting it.
28. Your husband leaves for a few hours with the kid and the thing you're looking forward to the most is a toss up between a shower where you don't have to make the choice between conditioning your hair or shaving your legs. Or taking a crap in peace.
29. You no longer shop for yourself. Your closet, which used to house beautiful clothes with matching accessories, has remained the same for the better part of two years. However, your child's wardrobe is often revamped and organized according to the season.
30. Your excuse for things off limits is that, "It's broken" or "All done." And when a co-worker asks what happened to the tape dispenser you automatically put both hands up and sign, "All done" and say, "tape all gone." Before flushing deep red.
You know you're a Mama when:31. You get on your hands and knees and stare intensely at your child's private parts while they are sitting on the potty. And then you sing and wave bye-bye to the poop that goes down the toilet. Without flinching.
32. You know the exact number of days you can go without washing your hair before you look homeless.
33. You have their Easter outfit planned before Christmas arrives.
34. When making the weekly grocery list you find yourself planning your meals via song, "Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dogs!"
35. When your child is napping, you are like a wild animal stalking its prey. If there is so much as a car driving by that honks, you WILL get the plate number and hunt them down.
36. You language consists of things you never dreamed you'd say out loud:
- "Do you need to go caca out of your butt?"
- "What that? That's your penis."
- "GIVE ME THAT QUARTER. WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THAT?! DO NOT PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH... ONE... GIVE IT TO MAMA... TWO... YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO GET TO FIVE... THREE..."
- "Thomas the train wants Toby to brush his teeth. Choo-choo."
- "Can we just have one meal where we eat in peace, Toby? Just one?"
- "If you throw that in the trash again, it's going to stay there Mister. I'm serious. Now Bunny is in the trash. Do you want Mama to get bunny out?"
37. You can identify the object being dropped in the toilet, sight unseen, just by the sound of it hitting the water.
38. You know all the songs on your child's toys and you realize you sing them to yourself... when you're all alone. "Do your ears hang low, do they waggle to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow..."
You know you're a Mama when:
39. You're so used to being nice and calm around your child that you save up all your rage for the general public. You glare with contempt at the childless couple rolling their eyes in disgust as they watch your child empty his plate onto the floor at a local restaurant. You secretly want to fast walk over to their table and bitch slap them.
40. You find yourself actively and silently reminding yourself to "not share another story about your kid" when having lunch with a girlfriend. "Act cool" you tell yourself... and then you notice the half dissolved puff and spot of pouch on your pants.
41. You knew EXACTLY what I was referring to when I said "puff" and "pouch.
42. Anything can be a toy when you desperately need it to. "Toby, we're almost through check out! Look at how fun Mama's zipper is! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZIPPPPPPPPPP, ZIPPPPYYY!"
43. You eat the handful of food your kid just took out of his mouth, after he chewed/sucked on it for a few minutes because, shit, he's sharing and you want to reinforce how much you appreciate it.
44. You watch the same three Raffi YouTube videos. EVERYSINGLENIGHT before bed.
45. After the same YouTube videos you and your partner pretend to make vomiting noises for the better part of 10 minutes when you change your child into his pajamas, because it's the only thing that will keep them still/laughing long enough to clean their face and change their clothes.
46. You nodded in solidarity at #45 because you will go to any measure to help your child complete a task with out a tantrum.
47. Your kid absolutely owns you and the sound of their laughter is the only thing that matters at the end of the day.
48. You sit on the toilet at work and then gasp and jump off, slamming the door with unintended force, when you realize your child isn't there... and you can go pee with the door closed.
49. You can complete more things in a 90-minute nap time than you could in an entire weekend, pre-child.
50. At least once per day your living room looks like a war zone.
